schvetybetty

2.17.04

'did you talk to him?'
'no, i won't be able to.'
smirk, 'oh, what, is he in jail or something?'
'no, terry...he killed himself...'
what? what? what? what?!  uhnnnnnnh...
'yeah, terry, he killed himself.'
I heard drums
 everything shook, my body shook, my hair, my eyes, my teeth
I dialed someone's number
to just tell someone, someone objective and strong.
funny, a friend of hers jumped in front of a truck the day before.
feel myself separating from flesh, floating above and beside
I am sheer, off-planet,
a static-y holograph.
smirk.
only coming through in waves.
so many things he gave me
in my house
everywhere my eyes fall
I wore the brown boots he gave me for the first time
yesterday, walking to school, smiling because I could feel
the imprints of his toes
the narrowness of his ankles.
funny, I was saying my practice from the Kalachakra, the 3-verse version, in rhythm to my steps
in his Docs
the first time I could make it all the way through...
I hung up the phone and looked for them
everything in sharp-focus, zoom detail
drums beating.
I wanted to hold them,
sniff the insides to see if I could get a whiff of him
I could
I wanted to lick them,
to sleep with them like
two awkward brown teddys.
I got online to tell my professors
I wouldn't be there because I couldn't stop crying.
I stared at the screen, moving the pointer back and forth across the tool bar
'Help'
the button transformed into 3-D with each pass
HelpHelpHelp
I stroked the word with the pointer, I PETTED it,
wondering if I clicked it, if I could rewind or fast-forward
erase.
It's only been a week
I am still sheer
'a mother's son has left me sheer'
6 suicides in one week said the Funeral Director.
I wish I could avoid February altogether from now on.
We had agreed to quit smoking.  They said the garage floor was littered with cigarette butts.
I had been rolling my own, judiciously, until then
I bought a pack of pre-rolled American Spirits, the sky blue ones.
That was Our brand.
I don't like going to work anymore
I see him everywhere there, bouncing on his toes and beaming.
I find myself thinking, 'oh! I gotta tell him this...oh...
...oh!  Josh would love thi...s...
I still think of him as accessible, even though I saw him
I saw him dead in his fancy fucking queer suit
I swear I thought his eyelids fluttered.
I keep thinking it's merely an elaborate prank he has devised to
shake me to my very
toes...oh.
I suppose it is.
I have visions of him sitting up, a vampire-zombie, biting me.
I just compulsively ate a Wendy's #4 combo-
the most I've eaten this week.
hope I can keep it down.  I'd like to puke all over him.  Dead.
His lips were still red
I know I saw him breathing
How long will I feel so sick
so blurred?
I smell some cologne on some passing faggot,
it's him.
I see the back of someone's buzzed head-
him.
everything, everything is a reminder.
I hate him.
I was afraid I would punch his corpse when I saw it.
But I was only afraid when I saw him, tricking me, lying there.
Just afraid.

from 3.7.95

Laundry, and at 10:15 am a drunken boat of a man with a 2-day old shiner looked at me hard
and asked me if I had some kids-
'no kids.'
'you like suckers?'
'yeah, i like suckers.'
He handed me a little brown bag full of Saf-T-Pops
and said
'don't say nobody wasn't nice to ya taday.'
Then he winked
and asked if I 'wanted a beer taday?'
 'no, not today.'
He tried to tell me how to win at the Pick 3, but he got distracted,
or noticed me trying to avoid his
tangible breath,
and wafted away.
At Zeiden's Pharmacy soda fountain, the retired lady scraping the grill
was singing along to
'Sentimental Journey.'
I pictured her at my age,
and picked at my Reuben.

there was a night at the Chapel Perilous, again,
 and, again,
it was full of fruit and grammar. we learned things about pesto, the treasures, not obvious, to whom only a select few will be privvy...
i gave my Number to Chance and, Orange Grand-Dad Be Praised,
we were giddy. A #, some code, same code
 juxtaposed, but with similar
accents
 grave.  "Well, I guess I cain't...Do Whut?"  Well, wull, Ah guess ah won't
ah wants
ah won'ts
i have made many attempts to post from the  LastNight- ToNight -Eleventh Night
Calling Sister Midnight
i have been distracted before
managed to get things done but,
tomorrow,
i face the DoktoR.
i face her Test.
i face her with Pink Hair and Red Glitter Barrettes.
I face Her and Her Instruments at Noon;
High Noon. It is a fair distance on the TARC.
Right Here in River City!  Oh, We Got Trouble!
 Best Wishes!  Bon-Bon-Bom-Bom-Bom!
Good Luck with The Eval-
There Will Be A
Settlement
I Have A Lawyer-Friend, and His Name
Is
Valentine.  He Knows What To Send YOU, Fuck-O.
I. I. I. I.
STILL
HAVE To keep moving,
I
stiLL
Halve
TO stretch until it makes you un
com
fort
a
ble
and you are sOOOOO
Flexy!  Were you a Gymnast?
Wow! 
How was that?  Did your Parents make you?
Did they Make you EAT
EGGWHITES?  SALADS in the early 80's
in the LIVING ROOM?don'tforgettobrreathe...ssssmmmmmmhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhggggkkk
ggggkkkkhhhhccchchckkkchckggggggghhhhghgaccchk....Fonda
fondue
forks
can you tell which?
maybe so
but shut the fuck UP! 
What  ARE  you THINKING?
BEsides
outSIDEs?
It ain't like the
Seventies, Babe
Your Parents
favoured Colonial
Prints and
Despised
Condi...Ha, ha
if only they
new.
I meant,
Knew.
I don't Feel
37.
Not like You.
Not Like
Yew.
And the Marriage
and the marriage
andthemarriagetree
ihavetosleep
tangledinmyfamily'shair
youwear
yourhotel
youuu
wearitwell
you
weaahaairitwell

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youown
uglyhats

hard
hard to
wear
i
am
humbled